so today was the first day of my becoming what i want to be. i've come to the realization that i have a bad attitude about myself and that i need to do a complete overhaul on my life. i've spent my entire life being someone that i'm not. the way i act around people, i do because until today, i wasn't sure who i really am. and i'm still not sure. but i can honestly say that i'm not this dorky kid who seems to have taken over my mind for the last sixteen years of my life. so today begins the overhaul. i went and got my hair cut, and dyed black. step one...change the physical appearance. i'm also going to start wearing clothes that i enjoy, rather than the clothes that i think other people will think are cool. my entire life has based on me wanting people to like me, because when i was kid, i spent all of my time trying to adapt to my new environment. the smart dorky kid who just moved into town has trouble making friends in todays society. i used to change my voice constantly, because i was afraid that my new "friends" wouldn't like the way my voice sounded, and for almost a year, i couldn't remember what my true voice sounded like. isn't that sad? there are probably a total of 3 people who knew this stuff previously, and i really don't want to share this, but every once in a while i have to let all of the emotional strain out, because otherwise it just explodes randomly, and this writing thing is a good emotional release. so anyway, what step were we on? ah yes, on to step two. the next step is my relationships. now, i'm not very good at dealing with my emotions, and i kind of bottle them up and overanalyze everything before i make a move. this includes my friendships. my next overhaul is to tell all of my friends exactly where i stand with them, if there's something going on. a lot of my friendships are going straight to hell because i haven't taken the iniative to be perfectly frank with the people i care most about. i've lost a lot of friends over the years because of this, and i want it to stop. i want all of my friends to know that i love you, and that i am here for you no matter how you treat me, because that's what i'm here for. i hope that i can expect the same from every one of you. well, i'm not sure if this is getting boring or more exciting, but i promised you angst when i started this diary and here it is. there is one final step o my complete ovehaul, though i'm not sure what it is yet. it's probably the most important one too, i feel like after i cover this stuff, that i'll have to do something more, but i'm not sure what. we'll just have to see. but that's it, not more pretending, no more lying, no more posing. from now on you get the real me, uncut, unpolished, and occassionally i leave a minty taste in you mouth. though i'm not sure why.
gredge