merry christmas

fucking lighting tech work. god damn it.

i don't think i'll ever get this done.

note to self, never ever again take a class as an independent study where i miss half of the classes for stage management, but am still held to the same standard as the rest of the class.


again... fuck

i'm home.

for the first time since september.

it feels oddly,
unsatisfying.


i'll be back here in two weeks, and probably by the time i feel comfortable here again, i'll be going back to school. and it will be 2006. fucking weird. i'm turning twenty in five months.

good night.

i've started writing again. not here obviously, but i have been writing.

i've been working to hard and not enjoying myself enough.
i can't figure out when i stopped having fun here.

there is no defining moment in my career here that turned things for the worse. but it happened somewhere.

i am stifled by my own mind.
i have so much to do that i get overwhelmed and can't figure out where to start and so i just shut down.


and don't do my work.

the party this weekend was kind of fun, though not the fufilling experience that i had hoped it would be.

we become so absorbed with what it will take for us to get out of here that we have trouble focusing on what we're actually doing at this moment.

that scares me.
i once thought that i thrive on pressure and time constraints.
i find that it now just paralyzes me.

my show started rehearsals today and i already have a mountain of paperwork to do.

plus... you know... homework.

being a theatre major was going to be easy.

and it is.
but it's a lot of work.

i need to sleep for a week.
i get four hours tonight.

i'm forgetting what it means to be myself.
helpmetoremember.

so it turns out that i haven't posted in a while. i said i wasn't going to let it go like this for so long, but once again, i have failed in my basic responsibilities as a blog user. but, such is life. floyd collins has been consuming my soul, but it is by far the most productive experience thus far in my year and change at ccm. i have learned so much from being an assistant lighting designer, that maybe i'm ready to design at this school. we'll see. the idea still scares the shit out of me.

i've developed a slight case of insomnia over the past few nights, no more than a few hours of sleep, and not even working on things. i just lie in bed. no thoughts, no anxieties, no worries, no dreams. just not sleep. i need to get over this quick if i want to continue to have maintain normal body functions like movement and basic cognitive reasoning. otherwise i will become the typical burned-out college student who roams the earth like the undead. speaking of the undead, the onion posted a hilarious story about the un-preparedness of pittsburgh for a zombie attack. i laughed out loud last night. well, let's try the getting into bed thing because the paper that's due at nine in the morning isn't getting written and i need to get up in a few hours to finish it.

floyd opens tomorrow and i kind of get my life back... for a week and a half. to all of those who i haven't talked to in the last couple of weeks, i'm sorry, but this is how my college life goes. enjoy.

oh, and comments have been back on for a while, so hook it up.

harvey danger released their new album in september, and oh, by the way... it's free online

you can download "little by little" at

harvey danger

it's pretty sweet.

i would like to share with you the transcript from andy rooney's weekly commentary on 60 minutes on cbs last night.



i'm not really clear how much a billion dollars is but the united states — our united states — is spending $5.6 billion a month fighting this war in iraq that we never should have gotten into.

we still have 139,000 soldiers in iraq today.

almost 2,000 americans have died there. for what?

now we have the hurricanes to pay for. one way our government pays for a lot of things is by borrowing from countries like china.

another way the government is planning to pay for the war and the hurricane damage is by cutting spending for things like medicare prescriptions, highway construction, farm payments, amtrak, national public radio and loans to graduate students. do these sound like the things you'd like to cut back on to pay for iraq?

i'll tell you where we ought to start saving: on our bloated military establishment.

we're paying for weapons we'll never use.

no other country spends the kind of money we spend on our military. last year japan spent $42 billion. italy spent $28 billion, russia spent only $19 billion. the united states spent $455 billion.

we have 8,000 tanks for example. one abrams tank costs 150 times as much as a ford station wagon.

we have more than 10,000 nuclear weapons — enough to destroy all of mankind.

we're spending $200 million a year on bullets alone. that's a lot of target practice. we have 1,155,000 enlisted men and women and 225,000 officers. one officer to tell every five enlisted soldier what to do. we have 40,000 colonels alone and 870 generals.

we had a great commander in wwii, dwight eisenhower. he became president and on leaving the white house in 1961, he said this: “we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. the potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. …"

well, ike was right. that's just what’s happened.


that makes me smile

somewhere along the line i developed this lazy ass attitude in which i sit around and let things pile up, and then when i can't take the pressure of my life crumbling on top of me... i buckle down and kick some ass. i tell my school work to suck it and it gets done. even if it means i don't sleep for two or three days. that worked last year. looks like it's not going to be an option any more. and that's a good thing because there's no fucking way that that will be an option after i graduate from here, so i might as well start now. this is my solemn vow. my work will get done. not the night before, but i will embrace the calendar and the free time that i have between classes to get my fucking work done instead of sitting and looking at shit on the internet. i will get sleep at night and i will not stress out. because it isn't worth it. i know i can do this. the question that i keep asking myself is will i do it for real. the answer now is yes. i will. so fuck yourself procrastionation. eat shit laziness. welcome relaxation. now don't get me wrong. school is hard. it's a lot of work. but i no longer care. i'm going to do all of my work. but i'm not going to flip out about stuff. i have too much going on to do that. it's all about time management. i've been hearing that since seventh grade and now i finally am a believer. i will manage my time.

well fuck you too

classes start tomorrow. it's been a good solid week of just chilling with everyone on the floor. it's been fun just hanging out, but i'm ready to put some serious ccm brand stress back in my life. i'm also pretty excited for the party on friday and the party at the pit on saturday. my only two classes tomorrow are script analysis and asm. i never have more than two classes a day, but i am working on tuesday, thursday and friday in the lighting shop, rocking it as the new shop assistant. woo hoo. hopefully i'll hear from starbucks in the next week about if i have a job opening there or not. i also got my name and email address into the person in charge of hiring lifeguards at the crc when it opens so hopefully that will be in the bag for the winter. all right well i'm off to bed. good night

back to school
back to school
to prove to dad that i'm not a fool
i've got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight
i hope that i don't get in a fight
ohhh back to school back to school.

i'm here in the grand ol' town of cincinnati. i'm real excited. there still aren't many people here but we've had some excellent hanging out with friends old and new. if you've seen my new facebook picture, you can see what happened to my leg, but for those of you not lucky to have membership on the facebook.

and here's the story behind it:

i was at the running of the bulls in pamplona and therer were these bulls chasing me, because that's what they do. but as i was running i saw this little kid who had fallen from the balcony above me. so i grabbed the kid and threw him up to his father on the balcony who was freaking out. but as i tossed the kid in the air, this bull rammed me in the shin. i did like three flips in midair and then i kept running another 2 miles, even though my shin was like broken. and no other bulls gored me or anything.

i have a job interview either today or tomorrow at bab budan's coffee shop. that's pretty exciting for me. that on top of the lighting shop assistant job that i accepted the other day. i'm not getting paid for that, but i'm either getting academic or honors credit. so that's exciting.

i'm excited for classes to start, i am however not excited to buy the several hundred dollars worth of books that i need this quarter. whatever, shit happens.

i've now officially posted more in one post than i have since june. hopefully this will be a regular occurrence.

so i leave for school on monday, finally. i'm still not done packing, and i'm going to pittsburgh this weekend for the steelers home opener.


and get ready for a hardcore bearcat upset against the nittany lions tomorrow. the blue and white is going down to the power of the black and red.

you can't fool me i saw you when you came out
you've got your momma's taste but you got my mouth
you will always have a part of me
nobody else is ever gonna see
gracie girl

with your cards to your chest
walking on your toes
what you got in the box
only gracie knows
and i would never try to make you be
anything you didn't really wanna be
gracie girl

life flies by in seconds
you're not a baby
gracie, you're my friend
you'll be a lady soon
but until then
you've got to do what i say

you nodded off in my arms watching tv
i won't move you an inch even though my arm's asleep
one day you're gonna wanna go
i hope we taught you everything you need to know
gracie girl
and you will always have a part of me
nobody else is ever gonna see but you and me
my little girl
my gracie girl

gracie- ben folds

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

so i'm going to camp tomorrow. i'm pretty excited about that. i'm a counselor for "superhero camp" with amanda. it's a group of first through third graders and we get to pretend t be superheros and wear capes for a week. it's going to be awesome.

*side note* it was easier than i thought it would be.

so ned's home. that's exciting. a bunch of us were at his house when his mom brought him back from the airport and then we hung out on wednesday night. nick, ned, marge and i shot some pool at river city and then got some za and played triple play 97.

well, i've got work in the morning, and even though this is the lamest update ever, i'm going to bed. but i leave you with this quote that amanda jane shared with me the other day

"because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles" -jack kerouac

i literally spent five minutes this morning looking for the pants that i wore yesterday. it turns out that they were also the pants that i wore to bed last night. that's how my day went on monday. i worked for eighteen hours down at lakewood park, loading in the lakewood project, running the show and striking the stage and unloading the truck on to the stage. i can't remember having ever worked so hard and having been so damn hot. anyway, no work for me this week. good night.

i feel like i have mono.


however, i can very much attest to the fact that i have not been making out with anyone.

and suprisingly, i have not shared beverages with anyone.

thus, the confusion.

maybe i'm just tired.
continually.

do you want to know something interesting?


it's a lot easier to have resolve before having to face the situation.

once you confront it, it's a whole different ball game.

it's like switching from four-square on the playground to tennis at wimbledon

that's right. four-square to wimbledon.

shit.

a year in the life

so it's been a year. school is over except for three exams. but on tuesday at 3:30 i will have officially completed the first year of college. it's hard to believe. people younger than me have graduated from high school and the seniors from my freshman year are now out there in the real world. it kind of puts things into perspective. i know that i've been pretty vague about how things have gone this year, but i think i have the time to actually sit down and do a recap. this year has been one of the toughest, but best experiences of my life. it is truly amazing the things that you learn about yourself in a year. i've done seven show assignments, one hundred and eighty hours of work in the scene shop, designed a scene shop, designed the lighting for a show (theoretical) met a huge number of people, missed almost the same amount of people, learned who i enjoy working with, learned what i enjoy working on, learning my strengths, my weaknesses and more things that i can't even list here. i've realized that i both can't wait to be home, and i can't wait to be back at school, because we move to the next level as theatre professionals. i'm learning that all of the doubts i've had all year are ok, and that i will be able to resolve these things as i go through school. this will be the hardest thing i ever have to do, but if i play my cards right, i can learn to do anything i want to and get a job almost any where. to all of my friends that i've had to blow off over the course of this year, i'm sorry. i want you to know that i have missed you and i can't wait to see you and to catch up. also know that i don't want to lose touch again and that i'm grateful you haven't started to hate me because i haven't talked to you. to my new friends, thank you for an amazing year and here's to the years ahead. on that note, good night.

god damn do i love having 88.3 on the internet. they just played flagpole sitta, and then the hippos' version of "always something there to remind me". why can't all radio be this good?

so, update on the classes, now with show assignments...

assistant stage management
theatre sound technology
sound lab
music and architecture, comparison and correlation
script analysis
lighting lab and crew
independent study with jim gage (in place of lighting tech, because of asm)

show assignments

fall
floyd collins- assistant lighting designer
crazy for you- wireless crew(?)

winter
tba winter studio opera- assistant stage manager
listen to my heart- master electrician

spring
hedda gabler- master electrician
don giovanni- props artisan

woo-hoo!

fall classes are scheduled

lighting technologies
lighting lab/crew
theatre sound technology
sound lab/crew
script analysis
beginning auto cad
music and architecture.

nineteen credit hours along with a healthy dose of master electrician on the side. we'll see.

for some reason, i haven't been able to stop listening to this song this week. it keeps hitting me right in my chest in my stomach every time.

i'm sleeping to give my head a rest
i am so sick of these arguements
i want to get out on my own
just need some time to myself or i'll explode

i know that htis is all my fault
and one day i will get it right
but for now i sit here and remind myself
that everything will be okay

your letter written on a napkin
sits on my nightstand
and it reads: "this is,
this the last time
that i will lie to you
this is goodbye"

i know that this is all my fault
and one day i will get it right
but for now i sit here and remind myself
that everything will be okay.

once upon my nightstand: finch

in case you were wondering.

this blog is not for your fucking amusement. this is not your space. this is mine. comments are done. if you want to say something to me, then say it. i don't care what you want to tell me, i don't care how you feel, but tell me who you are. i don't know who half of you people are. so, if i've somehow hurt you, or made your life miserable, who caused you so much emotional trauma that you have to call me a coward, yet hide who you are, then fuck off and move on with your life. i don't give a shit.

the next time someone comments on this blog without saying who they are is the day that i turn off comments. you know who i am, don't say things and then hide who you are. have the balls to say it and your name. that shit just pisses me off.

there's a reason i don't answer my phone, there's a reason i'm never online, and there's a reason i don't return people's messages. its because when i do it gets too hard. the longer i go without contact, the easier the distance is to deal with. i pick up the phone and i get ready to call, but i just set the phone down because as much as that hurts, it's a lot less painful than talking would be. because i'll get off the phone or turn off my computer and i'll have to sit there and think about it. and it will make things just a little harder. so that's it, i hope you understand. i doubt you do, because i have trouble understanding it myself. just accept that that's the only thing i'm strong enough to do.

my theatre responisbilities are now done for the quarter. even thought there's only like two weeks left in the quarter, then it starts again with a vengeance. but, it's good now. so i can talk to people again, and update my blog. be prepared for some serious blog action (compared to what you've gotten recently, or not, as the case may be). i talked to jenni tonight for the first time in god knows how long. in some ways it's almost better not to talk to the people you love when you're busy, because the longer you don't talk... the easier it is to forget that you miss them. it was great to talk to her, and it was our first real conversation in months, but i sat back after we got off the phone and i wanted to hop on a plane and go to cleveland to see her. but i can't. there's this whole school thing. she's a big reason why i'm hardcore trying to find a job at home instead of like camp or somewhere not cleveland. i don't know that i can go that long again without seeing her. but, what happens happens, and we take it a step at a time. that's all for now.

so somewhere along the line i fucked up. i forgot what was important. that's wrong, if know what's important, but i mistook something being more important right now as the other thing being not important enough. shit. i don't know where this is going, or what's going to happen, but hopefully i'll figure it out soon.

ariodante is over, and now i'm on merrily we roll along. it's pretty much a big clusterfuck, but things are getting better. and i'm getting some sleep. that makes me happy. i revamped this whole blog thing, and now it looks better... i think. this is what i do when i have free time. i don't really write in my internet journal, but i make it look better. whatever.that's all after this fancy style update.

this has been one of those empty inside weeks. i don't really feel like talking to anyone, and it's hard to stay focused and awake. i load-in ariodante on saturday, which begins my four weeks of production. i don't know how to describe what's going on, but it's not good. i can't figure out if it's me, or other people, or what... but i just don't seem to feel anymore. but it's only been this week. i may be coming down with something, but hopefully that's not the case. i just need a break, which i'm not going to get. if i've blown you off, not returned your calls, or left suddenly, understand that its not you, it's me, and i'm sorry. i just can't talk to people right now, and its worse that i can't explain to you why. good night

so there has once again been a monday night white castle run, but i think that stops this week. because i feel gross, and i need to go work out because...ugh. anyway. this is my last week of "freedom" for a while. i load in ariodante on saturday and then go straight through until march sixth. that's when i strike the musical and then the finals start on the 14th of march. oh my god. i can't believe how soon that is. plus there's all the drafting work i have to do in lighting over the next quarter. i can't even believes that some people are doing shows, taking drafting and lighting one. i would die.

home was okay. i don't know. i was severely disappointed in the drama at lhs. and their doing "seussical" in the spring. i don't think i'll go home for that. because if it's anything like the drama, no thank you. i hung out with abbey, maureen (weird! but good), dave, hillary, and leslie coley on saturday night. it was nice to see everyone, especially because i never hang out with them... ever. well, i'm going to take a shower and sleep, so here is your cockney english rhyming slang word of the day...
English- Easy
Cockney- Lemon Squeezy

goodnight my someone, goodnight

wow, i'm looking at the input window for blogger. it's been so long. i don't even know what to do with myself. i have so much studying to do tonight, but instead... we went to white castle and now i'm blogging. i have a test on henry v at nine, then a test on italian renaissance theatre at noon, then three hours in the scene shop, then a few hours of drafting after that for lighting. it's going to be a long day. i'm pretty upset about the afc championship game. i can't believe the steelers lost to the fucking patriots. that sucks some serious ass. i was yelling a lot during the game and have no voice. but i guess we couldn't expect the world from big ben, he is after all, a rookie, with a huge future ahead of him. anyway, good night my friends

oh joy

classes have started...woo-hoo