enter the new year. here it is. in three hours it will be two-thousand and five, and i feel the same way as i did in two-thousand and four. i'm done. high school is over. i'm tired of making resolutions that i never follow through with. this year, is different. i'm going to feel good, the way i should. i'm going to actually get myself into shape, the way i've been telling myself since i quit karate. i'm going to do well in my classes. i'm going to get on my way to a rhodes scholarship. i get a rhodes scholarship. not i will try, i will. "do or not do, there is no try," if i may qoute yoda. i will tell jenni how i feel, and i will do it without being upset, because i'm not anymore. this kind of self-assurance and revival doesn't just come with the new year, it comes from a long time of not doing anything. it's just convenient that it comes on the new year, so that i have a time frame that i can judge myself on. but i won't judge myself.

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

this song is how i feel, except i haven't told her. so you know what. here it goes, things are going to change...you watch. by the way, happy new year.

so here i am, sitting on my computer when i should be reading the dramatic imagination by robert edmond jones. that's because i have a paper due on that book on the sixth. yeah homework over winter break. jesus christ. christmas was good. i got a scooter, season three of west wing and a photograph by my cousin david. his website doesn't do his work justice, but here it is dave hammaker. anyway. i'm pretty tired. that comes from not sleeping for a while i guess. i really don't know where things stand with jenni, and by not knowing, i mean i really have no idea. and let me put down a bet that we won't talk about things before i go to school, and that will make things really good. i love it, no joke. i'm looking forward to going back to school, but for the first time since last october, i've been having doubts about my major. i'm planning on going through with it, but then i want a degree in political scince (or political theory from oxford if i can get a rhodes scholarship somehow). but i don't know what i really want to spend the rest of my life doing. i think being home is making me not think straight, which is why i'm looking forward to being back at school. things are so different here, and i don't know how things are with all of my friends, everyone acts so weird around eachother. this break has been too long i think. but, there's nothing i can do about that. anyway, i'm going to read so i can write a paper. whole book tonight, then the civic tomorrow for a few hours to get my ten. awww yeah. goodnight kids, keep on rocking and rolling.

merry christmas to all, and to all... a good night

i am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
in our eyes are mirror images and when
we kiss they're perfectly aligned
and I have to speculate that god himself
did make us into corresponding shapes like
puzzle pieces from the clay
true, it may seem like a stretch, but
its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
head when you're away when i am missing you to death
when you are out there on the road for
several weeks of shows and when you scan
the radio, i hope this song will guide you home

they will see us waving from such great
heights, "come down now," they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away,
"come down now," but we'll stay...

i tried my best to leave this all on your
machine but the persistent beat it sounded
thin upon listening
that frankly will not fly. you will hear
the shrillest highs and lowest lows with
the windows down when this is guiding you home

they will see us waving from such great
heights, "come down now," they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away,
"come down now," but we'll stay...
-the postal service: "such great heights"

it's time again for me to write something here, so here's the update. classes are finally over and i have but one final left until i am done for winter break. it's kind of a strange thing to have three whole days of nothing to do, just waiting for that last test to come around. this is going to sound ridiculous, but i'm going to be flying home on friday. that's right... i'm flying from cincinnati to cleveland. i will also be flying for the grand total sum of... five dollars. that's right ladies and gentleman, it is costing less for me to fly home than it is for you to drive. thank you dad and your frequent flyer miles. anyway, thanksgiving was pretty good, but i'm not sure where things are... it's hard to tell in a day, but it seems to get harder to understand as time goes on, and it makes me wonder how things will go over this almost month of break. the internship at great lakes theatre festival is looking promising, i talked to the production manager today and he wants me to send him my resume, even though they don't usually take interns over the summer. so hopefully that will turn out well. it's time for bed now though, so i'll see most of you in a few weeks at home. enjoy the last weeks of school. good night

You scored as Buddhist. Buddhist 80% Christian 70% Cult 65% Catholic 60% Anarchist 55% Jewish 55% Religion created with QuizFarm.com

some things stay the same
some things change
home does both when you're at college.
i'm not sure where things are
it happens.
sleep now, for the night is short, and tomorrow is endless

i haven't been able to get this out of my head for almost a week now.

pale, pubescent beasts
roam through the streets
and coffee-shops
their prey gather in herds
of stiff knee-length skirts
and white ankle-socks
but while they search for a mate
my type hibernate
in bedrooms above
composing their songs of love
young, uniform minds
in uniform lines
and uniform ties
run round with trousers on fire
and signs of desire
they cannot disguise
while i try to find words
as light as the birds
that circle above
to put in my songs of love
fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
fortune depends on the tone of your voice
so sing while you have time
let the sun shine down from above
and fill you with songs of love
fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
fortune depends on the tone of your voice
so sing while you still can
while the sun hangs high up above
wonderful songs of love
beautiful songs of love
beautiful songs of love
beautiful songs of love
-ben folds
"songs of love"

it's hard. these past few days have made me realize how hard the last month and almost a half have been. i never realized until yesterday that i missed everyone. my friends from home, my friends from camp, and my friends who are really and truly a part of my family. i miss having someone there that knows me as well as i know myself. i miss inside jokes, and study groups. in this world of conservatory level theatre, i miss barnstormers. i miss singing. i miss the life that i had, and the life that i will never have again. but at the same time... i'm happy. barnstortmers wasn't enough for me, lakewood wasn't enough for me, but every day i think more and realize that i want my kids to grow up there, and i want them to be with the kids of the people i grew up with in lakewood. i never thought that i would say that. theatre here is amazing. it is more work than i have ever done in my life, and yet i seem to have hours of free time too. having only one focus in your life instead of theatre, music, and ap level classes really cuts down how much time you need in a day. but i'm scared. i'm going to have to design, and i realize, and fear that i'm not going to be able to cut it as a designer. i have this need to suceed, but a greater fear of failing and showing the people that accepted me that they were wrong about my potential. i'm afraid of screwing up, like everything here is being observed, like i'm being watched, because the walls have eyes and ears and i can't be myself in the one place i really need to be myself. i want to be at home this summer, but i want to be at camp, and i can't resolve that conflict right now. i need a job, so that i can pay to do things i want to do, but i don't have the hours to work, or the time to do those things. i'm being pulled in every direction and being busy has actually made me think about that, as opposed to the hours of leisure that i had before i started production. i want to be a lighting designer, but i want to be a political science major. why can't i be everything? and why can't my school understand that i want to be everything. i want to know it all so if i start hating what i'm doing then i'll be able to start over somewhere else. i want to get someone elected president, but i want to design the lighting for at the metropolitan opera house, but i want to be the lighting director for the trans-siberian orchestra, but i want to teach lighting technologies and design to high school students, and then teach students at ccm. i'm just trying to figure out what i want to be, and everyone sees me as this pinncale of knowing what i want to do with my life and they look to me for that, and i'm going to end up looking like a hypocrit, but i don't want to. maybe this is just my regular late-fall freakout session. because what would the season be without doubt and drama. on that note, it is time for bed, because while i have no class tomorrow, i have been informed that the day that i had off may be taken over by cue setting from noon until midnight. shit, and i was supposed to watch west wing with joannah all day. we'll find out in the morning. to die, to sleep. to sleep perchance to dream. ay, there's the rub for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.

please... do yourself a favor. vote today. then you have the right to complain for four years.

all the world's a stage,

and all the men and women merely players:

they have their exits and their entrances;

and one man in his time plays many parts,

his acts being seven ages. at first the infant,

mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.

and then the whining school-boy, with his satchel

and shining morning face, creeping like snail

unwillingly to school. and then the lover,

sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad

made to his mistress' eyebrow. then a soldier,

full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,

jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,

seeking the bubble reputation

even in the cannon's mouth. and then the justice,

in fair round belly with good capon lined,

with eyes severe and beard of formal cut,

full of wise saws and modern instances;

and so he plays his part. the sixth age shifts

into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,

with spectacles on nose and pouch on side,

his youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide

for his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,

turning again toward childish treble, pipes

and whistles in his sound. last scene of all,

that ends this strange eventful history,

is second childishness and mere oblivion,

sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

so this is the last time you're going to hear from me in a while. tomorrow night marks the second to last day of skeleton crew for galileo, then sunday i start teching the show. i'm there from ten am. until about one am on sunday. the nice thing is that both my nine o'clock and my eleven o'clock classes are canceled, because of tech rehearsals...excellent. so my friends, please drop me a line, send me an instant message, perhaps a voice mail, a letter, a text message, or even a comment on my blog here. anything really, because though i love the line of work i am in, and my major, and the fact that i'm working on two mainstage shows in a row, i will still want the kind of reassurance that comes with a note (of sorts) from friends. to my friends from home, i'm not sure how many of you read this, and i don't talk to you often, but i'll say this. i miss you with all of my heart. good night.

so here we are again, writing about the week. not much has happened, just been hanging out. this weekend begins my two weeks in hell, followed by a week of rest, then another two weeks in hell. it's going to be absolutely insane. i load in the life of galileo from nine in the morning until midnight on today and sunday. good times. i just got back from seeing team america: world police. that movie is amazing... i can't even describe it. marionettes are possibly the funniest things that can be in a movie. so that's that... if you like puppet sex, you should check out this movie. i'm going to bed the earliest i have since i got to school, so as to be ready for my massive amounts of work in the morning. i miss you all, and perhaps we'll see each other soon.

so, once again, we get into the not posting for a week or so. but this time, it was due to my computer not wanting to get on the internet. as a matter of fact, it was about my internet security system not wanting me to be on the internet, so i told that fucker off, and got a new one. that's what you need to do, you can't take shit from your software, you need to tell it who's boss. anyway, not too much exciting is going on here. i went over to sarah's boyfriend's house last night and watched lori and ashleigh get drunk, and then i drove them back. it was actually a good time. a bunch of us sat around and played some cards. joannah and i are going to see a play at playhouse in the park. i'm excited to experience some sulture again, i haven't had much of that in a while. i went to the mall the other day to critique the lighting in four of the stores and in the common areas. that was exciting. well, i need to go and figure out how the hell we're getting to the playhouse this afternoon. so keep it real kids. adios and goodbye

so i think i pulled a muscle in my back. my left lat actually. i think i pulled it at tech crew lifting pieces of scenery. i even have a pretty stretch mark on my back. i'm telling you...it's hot. all the ladies think so. it hurts to do just about anything, which will be awesome for the all day lighting call on saturday and sunday. but anyway. who's excited about the debate tomorrow night? this guy is. big party up here to watch it. all right, well, i'm off to do my lighting diary...that's right, my lighting diary. good night boys and girls.

i've been here before a few times
and i'm quite aware we're dying
and your hands they shake with goodbyes
and i'll take you back if you'd have me

so here i am- i'm trying
so here i am- are you ready

come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you
always
kiss you, taste you all night
always

and i'll miss your laugh- your smile
i'll admit i'm wrong if you'd tell me
i'm so sick of fights- i hate them
let's start this again for real

so here i am- i'm trying
so here i am- are you ready
so here i am- i'm trying
so here i am- are you ready

come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you
always
kiss you, taste you all night
always
touch you, feel you
always
kiss you, taste you all night
always

i've been here before a few times
and i'm quite aware we're dying

come on let me me hold you, touch you, feel you
always
kiss you, taste you all night
always
touch you- feel you
always
kiss you, taste you all night
always

so i spent the evening down at the college ministry house serving pancakes to all of the drunk people, and let me tell you, it was freaking hilarious. but, as it is currently 2:45 am... i'm going to bed, you enjoy.

so i'm at college. we're having a lot of fun. i have great roomates, a great ra, great friends on the floor, and more great friends downstairs. the world seems to be in the right place. i finally feel like i'm where i need to be, doing what i want to do. we hang out and study together, even though most of us have completly different coursework. i had my first day of class today...the artist in society, survey of theatrical design, and my technical production lab. i have stage lighting and tech production classes tomorrow. this weekend we're going to play disc golf up the street, and maybe find some other stuff to do. the people in my program are really cool, and i'm going to a party at the lighting professor's house on sunday if i can get a ride somehow. well, anyway, i suppose that i should do my reading, so have a good night and keep the rock and roll alive my friends.

"you know what's wrong with you, miss whoever-you-are? you're chicken. you're afraid to stick out your chin and say, 'okay, life's a fact.' people do fall in love. people do belong to each other. because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness. you call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, yet you're terrified that somebody's gonna put you in a cage. well, baby, you're already in a cage and you built it yourself. and it's not bound on the east by somali land or on the west by tulip, texas. it's everywhere you go. because no matter where you run, you're always going to end up running into yourself."

ok so it's time to do some serious updating here. i'm getting ready to leave for school. that's in two days. and it about time, i am so tired of being the only one still home. i start classes next wednesday and i have all theatre classes. i've been reading some of the material that we're going to be doing in my lighting class, and i'm hoping it's not as bad as it sounds. i have to keep a diary of the way light affects me over the course of the quarter. i haven't talked to my roomates in a while, hopefully we'll have everything. whatever. so i went to penn state on friday, and stayed over until sunday afternoon. jenni and i had a really good time. we just hung out, and eventually talked about things. i think we're in a good place, which means i have some peace of mind about it...which hasn't happened for oh, two months or so. but yeah, at school, i'll post more, as i will always be on the internet. have a good night kids.

i really love being ignored, really, there is nothing in this world that i appreciate more.

ok, new blog name, new color, hopefully new links when i remember how to do it, and also hopefully, a new start at a hopelessly neglected blog. i now have instant internet access and will remember to post at least twice a week. i have so much to write, but don't really want to do it now. i'm seriously going to write out a three page entry about the summer, and post it here, but again, maybe not. ok, well my friends, mis compadres, goodbye and goodnight

what am i going to do? things are getting confusing, and i need solitude, which just can't happen. good, i guess i'll wait five more weeks until i can think.

so i had an terrible weekend, followed by an amazing week. i had the bet kids that i could possibly have. chillin beach bums. oh man, did we just hang out all week. this week has been hard, because i haven't had time to think, at all. and i need that, and i don't know when i'm going to get it. well, i've got some work to do before we go to town. i miss you all, if any of you are actually reading this anymore. farewell until next time my friends.

well, i can't believe how much i haven't posted. there is so much to talk about, from prom to graduation, and now being at camp. however, now i don't have time to really write, but i'm going to try. i love you kids!

so band is over. choir tonight, that will be tough. orchestra tomorrow. then lakewood project. then no more concerts. i'm excited.

un•der•stand \'en-der-"stand\ vb -stood \-"stud\; -stand•ing 1 : to grasp the meaning of : comprehend 2 : to have thorough or technical acquaintance with or expertness in <~ finance> 3 : to have reason to believe 4 : interpret 5 : to have a sympathetic attitude 6 : to accept as settled — un•der•stand•able \-"stan-de-bel\ adj

i'm sorry.

ap government test tomorrow, i'm preparing to be totally ass raped by the college board, because i used to feel confident about this stuff...until i started reviewing.

hey, so this is the beginning of new blog action. this will have journal entries, poetry, pictures, etc. plus, it will hopefully be updated regularly. at least that's the goal. the tag-board is gone, and unless there's an overwhelming flow of email saying, "bring it back" (which is unlikely, since it hasn't been posted on forever. so, hopefully the links will be back as soon as i figure out the where to put the stuff in the new format. adios kids.

one week to opening. i hate theatre.

so the honors program at uc is giving me six thousand bones a year to go there. i just need to apply to the honors program now. hmmm, go see the underpants. funniest show i've ever seen.

so, i put the auto dj on on musicmatch for the tunes today, and here's the playlist it gave me

1. brick-ben folds
2. the rock show- blink 182
3. punk in my pants- the mutilatiors
4. all things good and nice- jets to brazil
5. stay or leave- dave matthews
6. maybe katie- barenaked ladies
7. no reason- ben kweller
8. reckless abandon- blink 182
9. gravedigger (acoustic)- dave matthews
10. pale new dawn- jets to brazil
11. when you dream- barenaked ladies
12. light up my room- barenaked ladies
13. josie- blink 182
14. grey blue eyes- dave matthews
15. how it should be- ben kweller
16. bright light of night- the mutilators
17. unfinished- barenaked ladies
18. best imitation of myself- ben folds
19. so damn lucky- dave matthews
20. crash burn- blues traveller
21. make it up- ben kweller
22. morning new disease- jets to brazil
23. fallible- blues traveler

let's give it up to the auto dj. keep on trucking you little punk rockers

when did i ever forfeit my inalienable right to be upset about something? i didn't sign anything, no verbal agreement was made that i would never be upset about something. fucking-a, i cannot remember being this pissed about something. jesus christ. you don't get to do something, then get pissed at people for doing it the next night, then do it again a few weeks later. then people all around are pissed at one point or another. so go to hell you fucking hypocrite, if you want to fuck things up for yourself, then go ahead, but don't come crying to me, because i couldn't care less. maybe you need to actually have something happen so that you understand how others feel. call me when you've figured out how to think about other people.

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

oh blog, i have done you wrong and i am sorry. there has been so much to write about and no time to write about it. i suppose i will start with dallas. dallas was amazing. chilling with joannah, justine, stephanie, taylor, etc was a great great time. from the jfk museum (which was sweet), to the malls, to the hardrock (they played lakewood project videos), to the symphony, to the clinic, to the concert, to trish bitching out colleen, to asta (i'm going to learn bass), forth worth historic stockyard (cowboy hats and belt buckles) and then to the fucking rodeo, it rocked hardcore. as soon as i have all of my pictures hosted, i'll put them up on here, or you can check them out on the "my pictures" link to your immediate left. some of them are sideways, i'll fix them later. jenni was at the airport with my mom. that rocked. i was so happy to see her (we've been going out for six months now). but anyway. school on monday was not cool at all. then we had a snow day yesterday. oh man was that awesome. ok well, that's about all for now, and here are a few pictures to tide you over.


jo gray kickin it up a few notches


tony and the music

hey kids, just so you know, the new lakewood project website is up and running. including the rocking pictures from the feb 20 concert. so you can click on my link to you left, or go to www.thelakewoodproject.net. so enjoy, also check out explodingdog for great art, funniest comic ever for red meat and find something for google. the internet is at your fingertips.

ok, so it is time for some serious blog update, because the last time i actually wrote anything substantial was february tenth. i guess we'll go back to the southern ohio college interview adventure. first, i hit up wright state university for a scholarship interview with the lighting professor there. i really had to pull for some answers because he asked me first, "why lighitng design?" (i'm not sure i still want to be a lighting major-i'm thinking about stage management), and the other hard question..."why wright state?" (i have no desire at all to go to wright state, i mean it's a great td&p school, but no.) then they made me take an hour and a half tour of the facility, even though i had already taken the same tour, with the same stage management student over the summer. oh well.

Then i headed down to the good old town of cincinnati for my ccm interview. actually, that wasn't until the next day, but we drove down right after the wright state interview, just so we didn't have to stay in dayton. we actually stayed in kentucky, in the hampton inn right on the river. there was a whole group of christian youth groups there together making noise and causing all of the breakfast food to be gone when i finally woke up. then, i drove over to the ccm village for the only thing that i was nervous about that weekend. i got to my interview with steve waxler and professor something oakson an hour early, and spent the whole time walking around freaking out. we had like an hour long interview that went really well, and i felt pretty confident. then we drove back to the hotel and chilled there, because i had to be at uc at eight the next morning for the cincinnatus competiton. turns out i didn't actually need to be there until eight, because registration started at eight. we had breakfast and then went for the small group project. i emerged as the leader in the group, mostly because the rest of them weren't getting anything done. then we went for the essay, and i think i filled my blue book with stuff i'm not sure about. then lunch and talking about the honors program. then back to ther hotel. then sleep, and driving home the next morning for rock orchestra. and oh yeah, found out friday i got accepted, so that's where i'm going baby, oh yeah.

now, during this time, i both missed valentine's day, and our five month anniversary. so i called every night, but i still felt really bad. but it happens. anyway, not only did i miss five months, but i'm going to miss six, and jenni's going to miss seven. crazy, we just never seem to be around. but i guess i'll skip up to last night. we had a crazy evening with people being pissed at eachother from before dinner, all the way up to after the dance, and probably still. i'm still not sure if i'm pissed about things or not, even after staying up most of the night thinking about it. i think i am, but i think if we have the right conversation, then i'll feel better. but we'll see. i need to start telling how i feel, instead of saying that things are okay and then just letting it fester inside of me. eh, we'll see what happens today. ok, i've now written more in one entry then i have in about a month, so keep dancing you little punk rockers, and enjoy it while it lasts.

I'M GOING TO CCM! FUCK YES! OH YEAH, OH YEAH. AHHHHHHHHH! CCM! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Marriage is love.

let's thank shared_boxers for this little link/picture etc. click on the link and get one for your blog/lj. rock and roll you little punk rockers.

so all-state was crazy crazy crazy. eight guys in one house with a mother and daughter. oh boy howdy. and the other guys were even crazier than our own group. video of random people making out on a bus, gay porno magazines under mattresses, ho's all around, beanie weenies and other fun things. "what the fuck?!?!" was the theme of the weekend. good concert, good director, good choir. interviews in two days. portfolio is almost done. almost. ugh. rock and roll kiddies.

oh man, here it comes my friends. the two weeks from hell. all-state starts on wednesday. then next week is college interviews. i'm going to cry. a lot. a lot a lot

let us not wallow in the valley of despair. i say to you today, my friends, that even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow. i still have a dream. it is a dream deeply rooted in the american dream.

i have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.

i have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

i have a dream today.

i have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and every mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plains and the crooked places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.

with this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.

with this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to climb up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

this will be the day when all of god's children will be able to sing with new meaning "my country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee i sing. land where my father's died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring!"

and if america is to be a great nation, this must become true. so let freedom ring from the hilltops of new hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of new york.

let freedom ring from the heightening alleghenies of pennsylvania.

let freedom ring from the snow-capped rockies of colorado.

let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of california.

but not only that, let freedom, ring from stone mountain of georgia.

let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of mississippi and every mountainside.

and when this happens, when we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every tenement and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of god's children, black men and white men, jews and gentiles, protestants and catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old spiritual, "free at last, free at last. thank god almighty, we are free at last."

the reverend doctor martin luther king jr. (august twenty-eighth, nineteen sixty-three)

on monday, we celebrated the life of one of the most influential men of all time. yesterday, the president called for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. today, the ohio legislature passed an amendment that keeps employers from giving benefits to "domestic partners." we have a national holiday for a man who worked for everyone to be treated equally, then immediately begin to opress and alienate people. what kind of a country are we? we fight in iraq to "free the iraqi people from oppression" we fight in afghanistan to free the people and create democracy, yet here at home we make laws to keep our own citizens under wraps, just because we don't like the people that they're in love with. well guess what george bush, i don't like your wife, so why don't you take away her health insurance. i don't like that your married, dick cheney, so why don't you tell your wide that when you die, she won't recieve the support that she needs. who's next, the handicapped, the sick, the elderly? who else can we attack in this "land of the free?" today i am ashamed to live in ohio, and i am ashamed to live in america, the "greatest country in the world"

is it bad when you can't remember the last time you were happy?

kill me. no, really... kill me. i would be much happier if you made me dead. because there doesn't seem to be anyone who really cares, even the people i love. so, just leave me be, and let me die, because then i won't have to deal with this fake bullshit, and your lies of love. because while i'm here, having the beginning of the worst week of my life, you're in a hot tub with your friends. so fuck off, and let me be. because if you're done, then tell me. but don't make me live like this anymore.

i don't want to live on the moon- ernie

well, i'd like to visit the moon
on a rocket ship high in the air
yes, i'd like to visit the moon
but i don't think i'd like to live there
though i'd like to look down a the earth from above
i would miss all the places and people i love
so although i might like it for one afternoon
i don't want to live on the moon

i'd like to travel under the sea
i could meet all the fish everywhere
yes, i'd like to travel under the sea
but i don't think i'd like to live there
i might stay for a day if i had my wish
but there's no much to do when your friends are all fish
and an oyster and clam aren't real family
so i don't want to live in the sea

i'd like to visit the jungle, hear the lions roar
go back in time and meet a dinosaur
there so many strange places i'd like to be
but none of them permanently

so if i should visit the moon
well, i'll dance on a moonbeam and then
i will make a wish on a star
and i'll wish i was home once again
though i'd like to look down on the earth from above
i would miss al the places and people i love
so although i may go i'll be coming home soon
'cause i don't want to live on the moon
no, i don't want to live on the moon

hmmm

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. shit. fuck.

please someone...make me dead.

torso in the mirror

who wants to write the waiting for godot and the stranger part of my english paper? because i've got the intro and the metamorphosis done. come on baby, be my muse. i didn't read these books and it's bull to the shit from here. singing a song, dancing the night away. i start going to thoreau practices tomorrow. blocking sheets blocking sheets, i control where you stand for the next month, and so help me you'd better stand in the same place, or suffer the wrath of the student director and stage manager, and we withold your thespian points too, cause we're the ones in charge. who's stupid idea was it to have two spaces between sentences. stupid mla can suck my balls. modern language association my ass. still haven't written my government paper due two weeks ago, that's tomorrow nights work. good night.

i think blogger may not be working, and that would be making me sad

so 2004 has commenced, and i don't feel any different. we are now in the year of our graduation, and the beginning of what will be the rest of our lives. i don't know what i'm supposed to feel about this, or what other people are feeling. i mean, it's still the winter and we're still in school, so it doesn't feel any different, but we're barely six months away from graduating from high school, and nine months from college. i still don't know where i'm going, or if i'm going to be accepted to ccm. ugh. the next two months are going to be hell, between making up all of my work from this past quarter, solo and ensemble, the shakespeare competition, my interviews, the cincinatus competition, and stage managing thoreau. i don't even know when i'm going to get stuff done. but hopefully i will. i can't wait for march to roll around, because then it's dallas and chicago and getting ready for the muscial. life is going to be a breeze after february, minus the two ap tests, but it's no big thing. ok, well i'm getting some dinner and then figuring out the plans for the evening. adios.