it's hard. these past few days have made me realize how hard the last month and almost a half have been. i never realized until yesterday that i missed everyone. my friends from home, my friends from camp, and my friends who are really and truly a part of my family. i miss having someone there that knows me as well as i know myself. i miss inside jokes, and study groups. in this world of conservatory level theatre, i miss barnstormers. i miss singing. i miss the life that i had, and the life that i will never have again. but at the same time... i'm happy. barnstortmers wasn't enough for me, lakewood wasn't enough for me, but every day i think more and realize that i want my kids to grow up there, and i want them to be with the kids of the people i grew up with in lakewood. i never thought that i would say that. theatre here is amazing. it is more work than i have ever done in my life, and yet i seem to have hours of free time too. having only one focus in your life instead of theatre, music, and ap level classes really cuts down how much time you need in a day. but i'm scared. i'm going to have to design, and i realize, and fear that i'm not going to be able to cut it as a designer. i have this need to suceed, but a greater fear of failing and showing the people that accepted me that they were wrong about my potential. i'm afraid of screwing up, like everything here is being observed, like i'm being watched, because the walls have eyes and ears and i can't be myself in the one place i really need to be myself. i want to be at home this summer, but i want to be at camp, and i can't resolve that conflict right now. i need a job, so that i can pay to do things i want to do, but i don't have the hours to work, or the time to do those things. i'm being pulled in every direction and being busy has actually made me think about that, as opposed to the hours of leisure that i had before i started production. i want to be a lighting designer, but i want to be a political science major. why can't i be everything? and why can't my school understand that i want to be everything. i want to know it all so if i start hating what i'm doing then i'll be able to start over somewhere else. i want to get someone elected president, but i want to design the lighting for at the metropolitan opera house, but i want to be the lighting director for the trans-siberian orchestra, but i want to teach lighting technologies and design to high school students, and then teach students at ccm. i'm just trying to figure out what i want to be, and everyone sees me as this pinncale of knowing what i want to do with my life and they look to me for that, and i'm going to end up looking like a hypocrit, but i don't want to. maybe this is just my regular late-fall freakout session. because what would the season be without doubt and drama. on that note, it is time for bed, because while i have no class tomorrow, i have been informed that the day that i had off may be taken over by cue setting from noon until midnight. shit, and i was supposed to watch west wing with joannah all day. we'll find out in the morning. to die, to sleep. to sleep perchance to dream. ay, there's the rub for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.